Good Riddance, Summer: Hello Fall!

I’ll say it right here and now: “Good riddance, summer! Hello, sweet fall… ”

Sometimes, It’s Just Tough

I’ll admit it, summer sucked. I’m frankly stoked to be moving on from those hellish weeks. Over these past summer months, I needed to focus on backend admin/business systems stuff that had to be done, but am SO not gifted at doing myself, nor do I enjoy it. UGH! There were big learning curves and they were slooowww. But I plugged away at it for weeks – and eventually got it done. Not much photography got done, not much else besides slogging away behind a computer. REALLY not my happy place.

Where it went sideways was in my head for some reason; I had this weird stumble in terms of confidence and feeling good about stuff. Like, everything. It went to a dark place. Somewhere along the way, I got all off and judgy about myself, to the point of considering quitting and doing something else entirely. Luckily that last one didn’t last TOO long, only for the length of… summer! Blech! 😝

Mind you, I have really great self-care tools, from years and years of personal development work. I used ALL of them. Then had to get creative and develop a few more. Those voices in your head… man, you gotta stay on your toes to not start listening to them! I have a friend who says “My mind is out to kill me”. Mostly I think she overstates. But a few times over the past couple of months I actually thought she had a point!

Life itself really hadn’t changed, but suddenly I felt intense pressure about everything – and like a failure in certain areas on top of it. Like I’d made too many mistakes to recover from – and like my life just was never going to be as wonderful as I dreamed. And on and on from there. #Misery.

The ICK Overlay

At the same time, in the very same breath, I counted every one my blessings, looked around and saw the amazing things I’ve accomplished. What an amazing home I have, fabulous husband, friends. Yet, I couldn’t tell ANY of them how tortured I felt – and how I had feelings like nothing I do matters and how I felt like my dreams were slipping away.

It was like having this nasty overlay of ICK pressing down on top of what I really know is true and real in my life (the good stuff)… and having two clashing soundtracks playing LOUDLY at the same time. Definitely one helluva rackety dirge of misery!

My Bettylou-ism Of the Day

It was weird, I’ll tell you that. But something my mother taught me stuck with me (I call these “Bettylou-isms”).  Even on the worst days, this one was my shoehorn into eventually allowing a shift: “If it makes you feel bad, it’s a lie.” I kept thinking; “OK, so here I am… a talented, blessed person who has friggin’ LIES spewing in her head 24/7, keeping her awake at night, gnawing at her soul by day. Awesome!”

But knowing they were lies helped. I mean, I’ve had times like this in my youth, but not in a loooooonnnnng time. Back then I didn’t know those nasty critical voices weren’t really mine. This time I did, even if they had me by the short hairs for awhile.

So I did the one thing I know to do: focus on the light of all-that-is and hang in there. Just… Hang. In. There. EVERYTHING gets better, everything changes… and I’m not in control of how and when. I just know I have to choose the highest Light and focus on that.

One thing I finally had to step back from: social media. It is so NOT a confidence builder! I even stopped writing here on my blog for a bit – and spent as little time on my computer as possible. Every time I sat down in front of either or both, the voices got louder. My skin felt hot and prickly. It made me want to walk away and never look back.

On the bright and somewhat amusing side: all this crapiola was certainly not without humor ( if a little dark) and the appropriate theatrical expression. You’ll appreciate that I have THE movie moment (it played in my head ALOT) for this entire episode. You know how I movie moments.

It’s from “Inside Daisy Clover”, starring Natalie Wood – complete with French subtitles:

Yep, some nutbar moments there. I love how it all happens in a recording studio, which is kinda perfect in my world! Anyway, there it is: my summer in a nutshell.

Now: I’ve rolled over the hump and am motoring down the other side. WHEW! I’m sooo freaking glad! Right now, I’m not back on social as much as I was and I’ve had to simplify things in my life.  I’m getting back to my roots of photography… both on the ground and in the air. I’m starting to feel energy and excitement over what I do again… and about sharing it with all with you. I care about my purpose in life again… and love the way that feels in my veins.

So, bring it, fall… and HELLO to all the awesome stuff that has just happened and that’s coming up. KelbyOne, DJI, my Artist’s Voice Retreat in France, my stepson’s wedding at the end of October… me ‘n Valerie Jardin‘s photography project in Mexico in December, guest appearing on her new podcast: “Hit the Streets”. All upcoming, all will be shared… and all happening because I managed to remember a few simple things:

  1. If it makes you feel bad, it’s a lie.
  2. Focusing on Light is key.
  3. This too will pass. (another Bettyou-ism)

My humble thanks to God and the angels… and to those who love for as I am. Not perfect, but amusing to hang around. 😉

More SOOON!!

xoxoK

PS… Here a couple new recent pieces (one impressionistic, one more based in reality) I made after NOT creating anything new for WEEKS. It felt really good. Welcome back, creativity!

Both photographed with my favorite camera: the Fujifilm X-T2. Love that little beast like the old country! It gives me ideas and encourages me to try things… DEFINITELY my happy place!

fieldofabstraction

shiningbright

 

 

4 thoughts on “Good Riddance, Summer: Hello Fall!

  1. Wow. What a striking frank honest blog post. Good old Betty-Lou – what a wise woman as the only thing we can 100% guarantee with % is everything changes. I can’t wait to see what you come up with now you have left the crapolia heap behind you.

    1. Me too Jane! It’s always a fashion risk sharing that murky stuff… but it’s all part of the process, part of life. I think coming through the murky swamp times makes the beautiful idyllic meadow just beyond it even lovelier. 😀

  2. I absolutely love this! Thanks so much for sharing your raw honest set backs. You are such an inspiration to me and I love everything you do! I needed this today, it helps me realize to just keep pushing on, and moving forward with my dreams!!

    1. I’m so glad to hear that you liked this one, Kim. I think sometimes we follow people on social who only talk about all the awesome stuff they’ve got going on. Like they’re some kind of superhero and never lose their way, stumble or just stop and think WTF?? While I don’t think it’s useful to bitch, moan, whine and complain about every little thing (so boring, ugh!)… at the same time, NONE of us are without days – or even periods of time when – when life just doles out a punch in the pooch that knocks the wind out of our sails. Or our tiny little minds turn against us!

      These are the times we gotta dig in, hang on, NOT give up. Breathing is good. The gnarliest of days WILL end… and you get to start a new one. I’m glad that came across. I took a deep breath before writing this particular post; it’s kinda scary to put something so personal out there. But dammit, I’m not superhuman… and I know I’m not alone in needing to remember that even the best of us faceplant sometimes. For whatever reason.

      Life is a works in progress… that’s the truth and the art of it!

      DEFinitely keep moving forward with your dreams, my friend! Keep the light on for yourself – and everyone YOU inspire.

      thanks for sharing your thoughts. 😀

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