Good Riddance, Summer: Hello Fall!

I’ll say it right here and now: “Good riddance, summer! Hello, sweet fall… ”

Sometimes, It’s Just Tough

I’ll admit it, summer sucked. I’m frankly stoked to be moving on from those hellish weeks. Over these past summer months, I needed to focus on backend admin/business systems stuff that had to be done, but am SO not gifted at doing myself, nor do I enjoy it. UGH! There were big learning curves and they were slooowww. But I plugged away at it for weeks – and eventually got it done. Not much photography got done, not much else besides slogging away behind a computer. REALLY not my happy place.

Where it went sideways was in my head for some reason; I had this weird stumble in terms of confidence and feeling good about stuff. Like, everything. It went to a dark place. Somewhere along the way, I got all off and judgy about myself, to the point of considering quitting and doing something else entirely. Luckily that last one didn’t last TOO long, only for the length of… summer! Blech! 😝

Mind you, I have really great self-care tools, from years and years of personal development work. I used ALL of them. Then had to get creative and develop a few more. Those voices in your head… man, you gotta stay on your toes to not start listening to them! I have a friend who says “My mind is out to kill me”. Mostly I think she overstates. But a few times over the past couple of months I actually thought she had a point!

Life itself really hadn’t changed, but suddenly I felt intense pressure about everything – and like a failure in certain areas on top of it. Like I’d made too many mistakes to recover from – and like my life just was never going to be as wonderful as I dreamed. And on and on from there. #Misery.

The ICK Overlay

At the same time, in the very same breath, I counted every one my blessings, looked around and saw the amazing things I’ve accomplished. What an amazing home I have, fabulous husband, friends. Yet, I couldn’t tell ANY of them how tortured I felt – and how I had feelings like nothing I do matters and how I felt like my dreams were slipping away.

It was like having this nasty overlay of ICK pressing down on top of what I really know is true and real in my life (the good stuff)… and having two clashing soundtracks playing LOUDLY at the same time. Definitely one helluva rackety dirge of misery!

My Bettylou-ism Of the Day

It was weird, I’ll tell you that. But something my mother taught me stuck with me (I call these “Bettylou-isms”).  Even on the worst days, this one was my shoehorn into eventually allowing a shift: “If it makes you feel bad, it’s a lie.” I kept thinking; “OK, so here I am… a talented, blessed person who has friggin’ LIES spewing in her head 24/7, keeping her awake at night, gnawing at her soul by day. Awesome!”

But knowing they were lies helped. I mean, I’ve had times like this in my youth, but not in a loooooonnnnng time. Back then I didn’t know those nasty critical voices weren’t really mine. This time I did, even if they had me by the short hairs for awhile.

So I did the one thing I know to do: focus on the light of all-that-is and hang in there. Just… Hang. In. There. EVERYTHING gets better, everything changes… and I’m not in control of how and when. I just know I have to choose the highest Light and focus on that.

One thing I finally had to step back from: social media. It is so NOT a confidence builder! I even stopped writing here on my blog for a bit – and spent as little time on my computer as possible. Every time I sat down in front of either or both, the voices got louder. My skin felt hot and prickly. It made me want to walk away and never look back.

On the bright and somewhat amusing side: all this crapiola was certainly not without humor ( if a little dark) and the appropriate theatrical expression. You’ll appreciate that I have THE movie moment (it played in my head ALOT) for this entire episode. You know how I movie moments.

It’s from “Inside Daisy Clover”, starring Natalie Wood – complete with French subtitles:

Yep, some nutbar moments there. I love how it all happens in a recording studio, which is kinda perfect in my world! Anyway, there it is: my summer in a nutshell.

Now: I’ve rolled over the hump and am motoring down the other side. WHEW! I’m sooo freaking glad! Right now, I’m not back on social as much as I was and I’ve had to simplify things in my life.  I’m getting back to my roots of photography… both on the ground and in the air. I’m starting to feel energy and excitement over what I do again… and about sharing it with all with you. I care about my purpose in life again… and love the way that feels in my veins.

So, bring it, fall… and HELLO to all the awesome stuff that has just happened and that’s coming up. KelbyOne, DJI, my Artist’s Voice Retreat in France, my stepson’s wedding at the end of October… me ‘n Valerie Jardin‘s photography project in Mexico in December, guest appearing on her new podcast: “Hit the Streets”. All upcoming, all will be shared… and all happening because I managed to remember a few simple things:

  1. If it makes you feel bad, it’s a lie.
  2. Focusing on Light is key.
  3. This too will pass. (another Bettyou-ism)

My humble thanks to God and the angels… and to those who love for as I am. Not perfect, but amusing to hang around. 😉

More SOOON!!

xoxoK

PS… Here a couple new recent pieces (one impressionistic, one more based in reality) I made after NOT creating anything new for WEEKS. It felt really good. Welcome back, creativity!

Both photographed with my favorite camera: the Fujifilm X-T2. Love that little beast like the old country! It gives me ideas and encourages me to try things… DEFINITELY my happy place!

fieldofabstraction

shiningbright

 

 

In An Abstract Mood

Criss-Cross Connections

I felt abstract today. Deeply layered, multi-colored, lively, but… abstract. Lots of crisses and crosses and bright light connections in my thoughts-a-plenty.

So I figured I’d just go with it and make a new piece from that place. I did it with my new Sony A7ii. Did I mention I finally sprung for a Sony to replace my NEX-7? Yup. Went for the fancy little dbl-ii. We can chat more about that, once I’ve had it more than 5 minutes. Mind you, I’ve only got the old lenses I used on my NEX-7 for now; Sony’s 10-18, 18-55 and 55-210. But that’s OK for the moment, while I figure out what I REALLY want to do with my camera situation. That’s a WHOLE other conversation; and a topic that contributed to my abstract-i-mood today.

Anyway, I strained my hip (it’ll recover, no biggie), so while I’m taking it easy I took my new little camera out to find some textures and light and lines while I thought about things. I like to do that, mediate through my camera. It’s fun to see what comes from through!

This was created from 4 or 5 different images… including the brushed stainless steel doors of the elevator that I rode up on my way back to the apartment.

CrossYourHeart

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In A Monochrome Mood

Thinking in Black & White

Today dawned bright and clear.
But I digress… already! You’ll see this is a theme in today’s post…

Yesterday here in the Eastern Sierras (where the hubs and I are running around photographing the INCREDIBLE  fall colors), it was rainy… and snowy at the upper elevations (8000 feet and up). Which meant for an AMAZING sunrise!! Now I’m ahead of myself (akin to digressing).

By the time I downloaded my photos of so much grey, misty, mysterious light last night… I couldn’t help but think in monochrome.

SticksInAField

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The Art of Living and The New Now

Looking Back, Taking a Breath

Stuff is happening. Fast!
I imagined summer to be “catch my breath” time. Hahahaha! Oh the folly and whimsy of it all!

The past few months have seen the launch of The Arcanum, a photo trip to the Olympic Peninsula of Washington, followed immediately by a trip to NYC, filming several episodes of The Chat which I’ve had NO time to edit, speaking engagements, my first photography show at Coffeebar, Truckee , the unexpected availability of the “Dream Team” for my fabulous new website (a 4 month, SUPER time-intensive process… it’ll launch in October!), a couple of Virtual Photo Walks – one of my favorite things to do, interviews, meetings about potential new projects and now… I’m newly the west coast Influencer/Artist (is that actually a title?) for Macphun Software and Tonality Pro, for which I did a press presentation in San Francisco, am now making videos and am TOTALLY stoked about it. Yes I fell behind on my blog and on The Chat… but like I said, growing pains!

These developments are all incredible, wonderful. I could only imagine them a couple of years ago. They’ve also pushed me in new ways – to do more, think more, be more creative, move faster than I had ANY idea I would be at this point!

The New Now

As an artist, this is exciting – because it feels like my dreams are now taking physical form – and are moving forward.
As a human, it’s change, requires growth and has its requisite growing pains.
And as a human being doing my best to “live my life as if it were my art”… I am beginning to realize that this is the “New Now”. Unexpected, demanding, fluid, thrilling.


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